although this wasn’t a voice memo, or a note on my phone, it was a document I started the day we found out our first IVF failed.  often times on days that I’m feeling all the feelings I have to get them down.  even if I know no one will ever read them but myself.  it’s basically my heart on paper.  #fertilityfriday

I don’t really have words for today.  I had no idea how it was going to turn out, but this morning my gut said, “not today”.  but my heart was still full of hope.  and comfort from dear friends and my sweet nurse Morgan who kept me uplifted and positive.  a crazy morning trying to get blood work done at my ob’s office, filled with tears and serious “if you can’t do this for me, I’m leaving” moments.  not proud.  hanging out at my husbands office for a bit so I didn’t have to go home alone.  then, just as I like it, a revolving door of a few close friends who came to sit with me in my waiting.  heating up leftovers, sitting on the couch so I could rest on my heating pad as my cramps and bleeding just kept getting worse and worse.  and then, for a few minutes an empty house.  a husband who came home from work to get my suburban to go get the kids from school so I could stay home and “wait for the call”.

the call came when it was just us two in the house, and I’m thankful for that.  my eyes welled up with tears as I looked to my husband sitting on the other couch in our living room and I just gave him the thumbs down.  I listened as my sweet nurse Morgan said through tears that unfortunately my labs came back and I was not pregnant.  in fact, my hcg levels were so low that it was basically negative.  the embryo that we implanted never attached.  tears.  then after a few minutes, hanging up of the phone and hiding my face in a pillow.  a hot bath while the husband went to get the kids, and a thankful mama as her babies ran in the back door squealing “mama! mama! mama!” and ran into my arms.  tears again.  thankful for these little people that have changed my world.

rocking them to sleep tonight I just prayed over each one, and thanked god for them.  thanked god for my promise, my Camp.  for fulfilling a dream I didn’t know I had, and not answering my prayers 5 years ago when I wanted to get pregnant.  and thanking god for my joy, my Asher who was a little surprise and extra blessing on top of blessing.  my life would not be the same without those two.  and as I sit numb, disappointed to the point of wanting to be devastated, I feel peace.  I feel a twinge of excitement for what the heck god is up to now.  if last time this all happened, and years later he blessed us with our double portion, camp and asher, what did he have in store now?

two friends at almost the exact same minute texted me a reminder of my all time favorite scripture – “god is able to do abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine”.  and I know he can.  so what’s he up to now?

one of those things was FOR SURE the carry camp.  

god can use my pain, and turn it into purpose!  my scars for others good.  come say hi!