remember when I told you I wanted to LIVE BRAVE? well this is it people.
I want to have faith. big faith. faith like my favorite people in the bible, like the people in Hebrews 11. faith to believe that there will be a fulfillment of what was spoken to me by the Lord. faith that believes in Gods healing power, that believes [truly believes] that nothing is impossible with God.
Four years ago this past August, God changed my heart overnight and gave me the desire to be a mama. HE gave me that desire. He interrupted “my 5 year plan” and changed my heart. I started praying, we started talking, and we started trying to make that desire a reality. Sure enough, 1 year passed and no fulfillment of that dream. no biological baby. only a lot of hurt, confusion, pain, and reality was left. the truth was, a lot of my friends had gotten to experience the miracle of having a baby and I was still left brokenhearted and empty handed.
I gave “my plans” up to God once again, and told Him I would put that dream on hold. I needed a time out. I needed not to be disappointed and uncontrollably upset each month. I needed HIM, and I needed HIM to fill my thoughts and my mind and not the dream and desire of having a baby.
Well, you know how the story went from there. During that time, God put the idea of adoption on my heart. and I followed that desire that He gave me, and a few months into praying about it – we made the decision to adopt. Where we once were totally focused on having a baby biologically [although, that term was NOT what we used. I can recall my husband saying “our own child” more times than I can count] we now were following Gods call on our lives to adopt.
We were believing that God had a specific time and purpose for each child that would come into our lives, and the time for us to adopt was now. the time for us to try for a biological child, was not now. it was too emotional. my heart couldn’t handle pursuing both adoption + pregnancy.
and you know the ending to that beautiful part of our story. a happy mama + daddy with our arms full. our ethiopian beauties. a fulfillment of Gods promise to us for our double portion [Isaiah 61] thank you Jesus. see short film by fotolanthropy here.
the kids had been home almost 3 months, and I made my first trip away from home to my very favorite retreat all year long. created for care. god has used this adoptive mamas retreat to really speak to me. to get me away from the daily grind, and to minister to my soul. and strangely enough, what He speaks to me isn’t usually about adoption. and this past year was no different.
one of my best friends, Lauren, who had been with me through our whole adoption process [we met in this bloggy land!] was leading a breakout about her journey through infertility to adoption. Honestly, I just went because she’s my friend. and I wanted to support her and be there for her. What I didn’t expect was for God to speak to me through her story. a story that I already knew so well!
She started off her talk with a excerpt from a devotional done by Beth Moore. Blessed…not cursed.
I’m not sure why but that really hit home with me. I think that’s when the tears started [and still do every time I say that out loud]. You see, I think there is power in our words. and I think there is freedom that comes in claiming things. and it wasn’t until that cold January day in a conference room outside of Atlanta, Georgia that I finally was able to say, “I struggle with infertility”. there, I said it. and now I say it again.
Obviously, we have had issues in the past but we didn’t really “go there” with the fertility stuff. We skipped all that and headed straight towards adoption. But there was something that God was trying to show me that day, something He wanted me to have freedom in by simply just saying out loud. I struggle with infertility. I think I struggled with that word for so long, because to me it meant that I was never ever ever gonna have biological babies. like that was the end. but that’s not what it means– it just means that we struggle with it. that it hasn’t happened so easily for us as it does with others. it doesn’t mean that we won’t ever conceive. I wanna have big faith remember? blessed not cursed.
so I said it. I felt the freedom, and then what happened next was nothing short of Gods sweetness and goodness to me.
Part 2 of His Promises coming next…