sometimes simply getting in my car alone, with the sunroof open and music blaring is all I need to get me to my “happy place”. Then sometimes, that routine takes me to dinner around the table with “my people”. Tonight, we had our first Bread and Wine book club meeting and it met all my expectations for the night. I love nothing more than sitting around a table with my friends and having intentional conversation. I hate nothing more than small talk, and I think as we get older and as our time away from our babies + with our friends becomes more precious, I crave that intimate conversation even more. What is life if we can’t really share in it with others? So I’m thankful for tonight. Thankful for friends to gather around the table with, a great italian meal to enjoy, and great conversation to be had.
The question that I knew would bring up the most emotion in me, well, it did just that. It was on Shauna’s chapter in Bread + Wine called “enough”. I swear I could have written that chapter. From the list of legitimate friends who were pregnant when we were trying [slash are pregnant when we are trying] to the realizing that what I have is ENOUGH. That I don’t want to live this life of only wanting more, but I want to be content in my longing.
The question was, “have you ever longed for anything”, and obviously all eyes turned to me. I deferred the question at first, knowing that i would get too emotional, but when the time was finally right, I shared. It felt good, yall. I’ve been so emotionally detached lately, that it felt good to cry. It felt good to have a circle of close friends crying with me as I pour out my heart. It felt good to feel heard, to feel known. That’s what we all want, right? To feel known and to feel loved? That’s what tonight was all about. I feel closer to the girls who really poured out their hearts. I feel like I know more about their past, and that past leads to who they are now. I feel like I know them more, and that they know me more.
Through the tears I told them tonight what’s really been on my heart about longing. and about desire. and how I’ve been questioning “what do I really desire?” Do I desire to have biological kids? Do I desire to be pregnant? or do I desire to be a mom? I talked about giving my desires to God and being able to trust Him with those desires. I’ve seen Him take my desires and turn them into something way more beautiful than I could have ever imagined [thats’s it’s own post]. There’s still so much I’m processing, but it was good to process it out loud. To be in a setting where I feel loved, known, and heard. Sometimes I feel like the odd ball because my story is so different from everyone else’s in certain ways, but tonight I felt validated. I felt like my story mattered. THAT, my friends is how I want others to feel when they leave a conversation or the table with me. Loved, known, validated.