shame + infertility

When I wrote last week about “how I find my people“, I got a lot of response for you.  [and I love it, thank you].  My prayer is through this space that I can offer some encouragement to you.  I want you to know you are not alone!  I’ve been there, and I am there, and it’s a constant battle.  I can’t tell you the insecurities that came after posting that last week.  The enemy sure knows where to get me, and I started to think all sorts of crazy thoughts.  “what if I really am not that close to who I think I am?”, “she used to be my friend + now she’s disappeared, what happened?”, “everyone is hanging out without me”, “I feel so alone”.  I don’t tell you these things to make you feel sorry for me, quite the opposite.  I want you to know that we all struggle sometimes, with feelings of inadequacy, and doubt.  and I’m learning that vulnerability opens up the doors to those feelings of insecurity.  but I’m also learning it’s refining me, changing me, and it’s worth it.

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I’m the kind of person that reads multiple books at once, and it seems like this past week every book I read talked about shame at some point.  Shauna Niequist, in Bread and Wine, talked about shame as it relates to our bodies.  She was talking about not wanting to be in a bathing suit in the summer, and she said this quote that I thought was so perfect: “no one is thinking about you as much as you are”.  yep.  she is great with analogies, and she said shame is like we think there is a video reel that’s playing all of our mistakes over and over again and those we trust and respect most have all seen it.  shame.

then there’s Brene Brown and Daring Greatly.  yall, this book is kicking my ass.  It’s one of those read half a chapter then think about it for a week type books.  In my bath time disconnect time, I read half a chapter on….you guessed it – SHAME.  I could have stopped at the first sentence,

“shame derives its power from being unspeakable.  That’s why it loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet.  If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.  Shame hates having words wrapped around it.  If we speak shame, it beings to wither.  Just the way expose to light was deadly to the grimlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it” 

she says that in all her 12 years of research on shame, that shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.  She goes on to talk about how we all struggle with feeling shame, not just people who have survived unspeakable trauma.  In one of the responses they received for an example for shame was….infertility.

I tell you all this to say, I know I am called to speak language and story to my shame – infertility and beyond.  but I’m also telling you it’s not going to be easy, but it will no doubt be freeing.  it will bring LIGHT.  and as a daughter of the most high god, I have been rescued from darkness to the kingdom of light.  I’ve been freed to see others be set free.  and I’m learning so much of who I am in Christ, and what he’s called me to.  So as I begin to write more about infertility, and shame, and being vulnerable will you cover me in prayer?  Can we rise up as a sisterhood together and call shame like we see it, expose it and bring it to light so it’s destroyed?!  I know in my heart I am not the only one who wants this.  we are in this together sweet sisters.

Hey, I'm Wynne!

Hi, friend! First, I truly am so giddy that you are here. I want you to know I 100% believe in you and all the ways you are growing towards living a more intentional life. I can’t wait to get to know you and your story, and I genuinely hope you are encouraged from our time together here.

A little about me, I’m a type 7 on the enneagram, a total extrovert + people lover, entrepreneur, connector, storyteller, people gatherer, and passionate wife, mama + friend. I feel most alive when I’m exploring new places and surrounded by people I love. Give me a day in the outdoors disconnected from wifi, and I am a happy girl. I run on oat milk lattes, Jesus, gratitude journaling and kitchen dance parties with my three kids.
Welcome, come on in!

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  1. Keary says:

    Your heart is just so beautiful Wynne! I was just talking about the topic of shame with a friend last week and it is made up purely of lies from the enemy. But how amazing that we have a God who is so much greater and speaks TRUTH to our hearts 🙂

    xoxo
    Keary

  2. Meg says:

    I found your blog a while back and I’m so glad I did! Something about going through rough stuff makes you feel connected to the people going through it, even though you’ve never met! So I’m excited to read more as you write! You are definitely going to be covered in prayer! Thank you for wanting to share and speak truth!

  3. Mallory Heifrin says:

    Wynne, thank you for being so open, honest, vulnerable, and encouraging. God has truly blessed you and it’s beautifully evident. Thank you for sharing your experiences because I know so many will be blessed by your words. We love and miss y’all!!!

  4. Chantel says:

    Oh, I took Daring Greatly out from the library a few months ago but had a few others to read at the time so I brought that one back without reading it, definitely going to get it again! I will definitely be praying for strength to share your story Wynne and that God will bring the right people here that need to hear it!

  5. Amy says:

    Wynn, this is beautiful. You are such an inspiration. Know that you are most definitely NOT alone in your feelings of shame and inadequacy. Thank you for speaking out – for yourself and on behalf of us women who also are burdened with feelings of shame. God is working through you, through your writing. I pray that you find freedom through all of this … you are certainly allowing others to speak out and squash their shame, too 🙂 Thank you.

  6. As a man struggling with infertility i can testify that one of the many feelings you feel is a sense of shame.

  7. Alaina Mayes says:

    I am with you.

    Being the ONE infertile friend… literally….. it can be very awkward and embarrassing when talking about struggles with getting pregnant, dr appts, and the ups and downs of adoption. You feel everyone pities you and feels so sorry for you. And, in reality, they may. But, not because we’re pitiful people – but because when you hurt, your friends do, too. It took me a while to get that and I would be so embarrassed to talk about it and hated when it was brought up in public because it made me feel so much like an outsider.

    My only safe place is my blog and around others who are in the same position. I still struggle with talking about what’s going on to “others” lol…. but, like you said….. light, conversation, and truth immobilize and take the power away from shame.

    I’m with you. I’ll be praying for you. 🙂

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