I stumbled out of bed at almost midnight with eyes half open to write this Tuesday night. when you all of a sudden learn about what it means to be “self aware” and you start to ask God the hard questions, like asking Him to search your heart and show you what the heck you are running FROM….well let’s just say it keeps you up at night. I leave for Uganda in 14 days. 14 days. I talk about it so casually, like it’s something I do all the time [which, it is my 4th visit in less than 3 years] but it’s not casual. I have stuff to do to get ready, if you know what I mean. I’ve been so busy getting everything “in order” for my March. My march is insane, yall. I go to Created for Care on a Friday, then it’s over Sunday and Logan picks me up on our way to Atlanta and we meet up with the #bloghope team that night and leave Monday for Uganda for 10 days. Then I get home from Uganda late on a Thursday night, and exactly a week later I hit the road again for Hope Spoken. So you could say I have a lot of “stuff” to work out. but what God was showing me tonight, is I have a lot of stuff to work out. if you know what I mean. heart stuff.
so it’s scary, asking the questions, being aware of the things that are keeping me from full freedom, being aware of the things I’m running from. it’s already keeping me up at night. but I know there are lots of heart issues me + God need to work through before this next month. I feel it, I know it’s going to be big. it’s going to be life changing. and I want to be ready for it: mind, body and soul. [that sounded cheesy].
it’s weird because I’ve been to Africa so many times that I no longer have such a long list of things to prepare. I already have my shots, my yellow fever card, my passport, my left over not-yet-expired malaria meds and sleeping aid. I have a wide variety of long skirts to chose from, and an arsenal of kleenex, hand sanitizer and mini shampoo. I don’t need that much more stuff to prepare for this trip. but I need to do a lot of heart work. I need to ask god to search my heart. I need to take time to just be still and sit with my father and ask him to reveal these things to me. to speak and sing his song over me. to tell me how much he loves me. to show me the things that get in the way of my relationship with him – so I can get rid of them. so i can stop acting “fine” and walk worthy of the calling I’ve received. that’s been my prayer.
that’s what’s on my heart this friday. what’s on your hearts friends?
ps – are you following http://bloghope.org/? go meet all of my amazing blogger teammates!