I was huddled in my bed last sunday all day. I got up to take baths and that was about it. feeling alone, in pain both emotionally and physically, broken, hurting, misunderstood. Why do I always have to be that friend? the one that’s brokenhearted, sending out frantic text prayer requests, and spilling my guts on instagram. why do I crave people, and relationships, and comfort? that might be a silly question, of coarse we all crave that.
no one wants to be alone, especially in their grief.
Though the tears came all day, I knew joy would come in the morning. if not joy then new mercies, coffee, and grace. It was one of those days that I couldn’t wait until the sun went down on. I wanted God, but I didn’t want to go to the effort. not that day. My hands came across one of four books I’m currently reading and it just felt right.
Every bitter thing is sweet is a book I didn’t want to end. All day I read Sara’s story and thought myself “she’s taking the words out of my mouth”, she has this ability to put into words thoughts that linger in my head but have no way of becoming words. My story, in so many ways, parallels hers. She has this way of drawing me closer to God.
there’s something that’s been rising up in me all week, and I finally have a word for it: HUNGER. It’s this hunger for Him that’s becoming my testimony. I am desperate, for Him and for His presence. I need him. I am hungry and thirsty for his grace and his presence.
across the table this week with my friend Megan, we were talking about this hunger. and she said words that rang so true, “it’s the currency of heaven”. I mentally wrote that down, and it’s been ringing in my ears all week. This hunger we have for God IS the currency of heaven. it’s what keeps us connected to him, tethered to him. There have been seasons of this kind of hunger in my life: infertility, the adoption wait, the weeks after leaving Ethiopia waiting for my kids to come home… but as Sara says in her book, “I don’t want to be a hungry soul just for a season. I want to LIVE HUNGER“.
YES. I want to live hunger too. I don’t want to be hungry in this crazy season of waiting for Gods promises, I want to be hungry for life. I don’t want to want him just when my circumstances aren’t going my way, but I want to live hunger. In one way, I want my circumstances to change so this waiting will end, but in other ways I am extremely grateful for the wait because it’s drawn me closer to him! in a way I never would have had another way!
“I can discover that our greatest testimony isn’t found in those moments of victory over weakness or even in the moments of hope fulfilled. It is found in waiting, wanting, adoring. It’s found in HUNGER”! – Sara Hagerty
this is my testimony. it’s now. it’s before my body is healed and carrying life. it was before we brought camp + asher home. it’s in the days that I’m on my knees, in desperation for him alone. I am thankful for these seasons of waiting, of longing, of hurt and pain that drawn me closer to the one who made me, the one who sees me, and the one who wants ALL OF ME.
The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. Revelation 12:17
I’ll be over at The Carry Camp tomorrow sharing more about this.