Have you ever been in a season of “no,” or “not yet”?

On October 16, 2019, a cancelled appointment left me with a few unexpected hours to kill. I found myself at Barnes & Noble with a hot tea in hand and a new journal full of potential. Ironically, I had received this journal as a gift myself. A beautiful blue Anthropologie journal that had been sitting in my “gift drawer” and was about to be handed to my friend Katelin for her birthday. Subconsciously I think I deemed myself unworthy to write in such a beautiful journal. 

Do you ever do that? 

You receive a gift so beautiful or generous that you are afraid to use it?  

At that point in October, I had been working tirelessly for months. I was trying to grow my social media presence and to resurrect an old blog while also trying to establish a new one. To do so, I hired a virtual assistant/graphic designer and spent many of my “kid free” hours working on the project. Meanwhile, I had joined several Instagram pods with the goal being to help each other’s content be seen by more people, and hence grow our followings. 

It was fun for a while but quickly became a burden to me. 

My heart aches for genuine connection with women, to encourage + empower them, and to cheer them on. My social media didn’t have the authentic feel that I had grown accustomed to since I started blogging in 2008. 

Just so you have a little more background, I have (over the past 6 or 7 years) always felt like the Lord had a book in store for me to write. An opportunity to share my story, His story, and encourage even more women on their own journeys through life and motherhood. I thought that “growing my social media” was going to help be the platform to get me the readership that one day a publisher would need. So I pushed myself.  

I wanted to offer something to the world that was worthwhile and special.

A week prior to my blue journal Barnes & Noble moment, I had a highly anticipated phone call with a literary agent. I was beyond excited about this opportunity to talk to someone about my dreams of writing a book, and the Lord had surely put so many little things in my path that week to point me to this being a really good thing…

In the first half of our conversation, I felt uplifted, seen, encouraged, heard, and known. I felt like someone saw my dreams and my potential and was willing to stick it out with me and see it come to pass. 

I. Felt. Empowered.

I was shaking with excitement. The butterflies in my stomach refused to calm down as I took as many notes as I could while I listened to this seasoned literary agent peek into my story and my soul. Everything was great… until it wasn’t.

It turned out that my empowerment hinged upon money. Specifically, me paying this particular firm a hefty amount of money to “believe in me” and “get me published.” 

I was deflated.

I spent the following week having lengthy conversations with friends who have published books and worked with agents before, and they quickly confirmed what I suspected. Honestly, it’s healing to write this because I don’t think I’ve really properly acknowledged how much it broke my heart. That “no” was an absolute gut punch.

But wrapped in that “no” was a revelation that so much of my hustle with social media came from a place of “needing to grow because it will help me sell my book one day.” The Lord divinely, and swiftly, reminded me that my heart craves to create genuine connections with women.

And so God said, “no, not yet.” 

Back to Barnes & Noble. The Lord was so gracious. In the place of a busy and routine appointment, He gave me a time to pause, reflect, process, and heal. He showed me that IF HE WILLS ME to write a book one day, He will be the one to make it happen.  

NOT me.

Not my feeble attempts at growing my following nor having an incredible “offer” for people. Him. And since my whole story is a “so basically God” story… I decided to trust Him.

So here is the blog — the one I’ve spent the better part of a year undoing and then putting back together. The blog that I thought would be a book deal but turned out to be God stamping a “no, not yet” on. A blog that I hope becomes a source of encouragement and empowerment for women everywhere.

May this be a little corner of the internet that proves that “no, not yet” can become a place where connection, encouragement, and empowerment flourish.