I left 3 hour triple baby shower [these babies have all safely made their way into the world now! praise God!] dinner before the tears started to flow. It’s such a weird thing. When you’ve been walking with a group of girls for 3-5 years, and they know you and they know your heart and your desires. they know your struggles and your heart ache. they want what you want almost as much as you do. they want to change the hard stuff, they want to make it better. they love me so fiercely. they don’t know what to say sometimes, so sometimes they don’t. and sometimes they step out on a limb and send me a message just to see how I am. I’m sure they feel nervous to do that. I would feel nervous about that too, if it wasn’t something I had walked through or been walking through. but when they do, I am so grateful. I can feel the hurt in their hearts for me. I can feel them empathizing with me. it’s nice to know I’m seen.
it’s hard. having been trying to conviece for 5 years. there are always seasons where everyone and their dog is pregnant, and this is one of them. I have way too many stories of crying in the bathroom at parties and dinners, just trying to hide and be alone. then I have stories of friends finding me in the bathroom, and praying with me and letting me hide out until the tears dry. 5 years of this. first round of kids, then second, and now we are on to round 3 for lots of my friends.
it’s weird. it’s weird because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. but at times, I feel sorry for myself. I’m learning a lot about dealing with grief, and loss over what could have been. I’m learning that it’s OK to cry out to God, and to tell him I don’t think it’s fair, and to be mad. he can handle it. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I think because I feel sorry for myself I perceive everyone else to feel sorry for me too. but they are right there with me. they are confused, and sad, and hurt, and they want it to be different too! they want what I want!
when friends announce they are pregnant, at least to me, sometimes they say it in a I-feel-bad-i’m-pregnant kind of way. and I know their heart, I know they are trying to protect me and let me know that they hate it for me. that they wish I was pregnant too. but it makes me feel worse sometimes. I AM excited for them. I AM excited about new life! I DO want to celebrate. but it’s just their weird thing, because yes I am also hurting inside. I am also asking, “why not me” to myself. I am questioning God, and telling him it’s not fair. I know in my heart the truth – I know his timing is perfect, I know there is purpose in my pain, but that doesn’t mean that it still isn’t hard. not every day. but some days, it’s hard.
I’m grateful for this journey, I really am. I’m grateful that I can now for the rest of my life, empathize with other women who are going through this same struggle. I’m thankful that my pain could be my platform. I’m thankful that my heart can be broken and hurt and sad alongside other women, and at the same time I can encourage them, and relate to them in a new way. I’m grateful that this journey has only brought me to a greater dependance on HIM. I know full well that we are NOT in control, he is. He is in control of it all and He alone is the author and giver of life.
sometimes though, I just want to get in my car after dinner and drive around town before going home, and stop at random parks, and cry. ugly cry. I know the truth. I know I am loved. I know my friends + family are for me, and they are with me. but there are times in this journey that must be walked alone. and I’m walking it.