the ugly cry. [infertility]

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I left 3 hour triple baby shower [these babies have all safely made their way into the world now! praise God!] dinner  before the tears started to flow.  It’s such a weird thing.  When you’ve been walking with a group of girls for 3-5 years, and they know you and they know your heart and your desires.  they know your struggles and your heart ache.  they want what you want almost as much as you do.  they want to change the hard stuff, they want to make it better.  they love me so fiercely.  they don’t know what to say sometimes, so sometimes they don’t.  and sometimes they step out on a limb and send me a message just to see how I am.  I’m sure they feel nervous to do that.  I would feel nervous about that too, if it wasn’t something I had walked through or been walking through.  but when they do, I am so grateful.  I can feel the hurt in their hearts for me.  I can feel them empathizing with me.  it’s nice to know I’m seen.

it’s hard.  having been trying to conviece for 5 years.  there are always seasons where everyone and their dog is pregnant, and this is one of them.  I have way too many stories of crying in the bathroom at parties and dinners, just trying to hide and be alone.  then I have stories of friends finding me in the bathroom, and praying with me and letting me hide out until the tears dry.  5 years of this.  first round of kids, then second, and now we are on to round 3 for lots of my friends.

it’s weird.  it’s weird because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.  but at times, I feel sorry for myself.  I’m learning a lot about dealing with grief, and loss over what could have been.  I’m learning that it’s OK to cry out to God, and to tell him I don’t think it’s fair, and to be mad.  he can handle it.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I think because I feel sorry for myself I perceive everyone else to feel sorry for me too.  but they are right there with me.  they are confused, and sad, and hurt, and they want it to be different too!  they want what I want!

when friends announce they are pregnant, at least to me, sometimes they say it in a I-feel-bad-i’m-pregnant kind of way.  and I know their heart,  I know they are trying to protect me and let me know that they hate it for me.  that they wish I was pregnant too.  but it makes me feel worse sometimes.  I AM excited for them.  I AM excited about new life!  I DO want to celebrate.  but it’s just their weird thing, because yes I am also hurting inside.  I am also asking, “why not me” to myself.  I am questioning God, and telling him it’s not fair.  I know in my heart the truth – I know his timing is perfect, I know there is purpose in my pain, but that doesn’t mean that it still isn’t hard.  not every day.  but some days, it’s hard.

I’m grateful for this journey, I really am.  I’m grateful that I can now for the rest of my life, empathize with other women who are going through this same struggle.  I’m thankful that my pain could be my platform.  I’m thankful that my heart can be broken and hurt and sad alongside other women, and at the same time I can encourage them, and relate to them in a new way.  I’m grateful that this journey has only brought me to a greater dependance on HIM.  I know full well that we are NOT in control, he is.  He is in control of it all and He alone is the author and giver of life.

sometimes though, I just want to get in my car after dinner and drive around town before going home, and stop at random parks, and cry.  ugly cry.  I know the truth.  I know I am loved.  I know my friends + family are for me, and they are with me.  but there are times in this journey that must be walked alone.  and I’m walking it.

Hey, I'm Wynne!

Hi, friend! First, I truly am so giddy that you are here. I want you to know I 100% believe in you and all the ways you are growing towards living a more intentional life. I can’t wait to get to know you and your story, and I genuinely hope you are encouraged from our time together here.

A little about me, I’m a type 7 on the enneagram, a total extrovert + people lover, entrepreneur, connector, storyteller, people gatherer, and passionate wife, mama + friend. I feel most alive when I’m exploring new places and surrounded by people I love. Give me a day in the outdoors disconnected from wifi, and I am a happy girl. I run on oat milk lattes, Jesus, gratitude journaling and kitchen dance parties with my three kids.
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let'e be friends

  1. Caroline says:

    You are not alone AT all!!!! God is working in the spiritual realm! He has far greater plans than you could even imagine. Keep on contending for your babies!! Despite that EVERYONE around us is pregnant (trust me – I agree), I just decide to view it as a sign that God is bringing LIFE! He is good – believing with you Wynne. Cry it out if you have to but don’t give up! Waiting with you

  2. Lisa says:

    I could have written this post. A sweet friend just emailed a link to this post and I love it. It’s so my life right now. Thank you. I can’t wait to dive in to your blog.

  3. After 6 years and one adoption we fell pregnant. Our miracle little boy, we were so excited. Six months later he was born still, Sam Alan Lawsom, you are missed more than we can say. I truly do not understand Gods plan here, feel totally lost

    2 weeks have passed now and we hurt and are angry. I think of you and thank you for your blog

    Lee

  4. Lacie Blair JohnsŦon says:

    Love you Wynne.

  5. Amanda Keel Cobb says:

    I love this. I have not struggled with infertility but I have struggled and sometimes when I felt most alone I realized I need to be alone. Alone with Jesus and not everyone else’s attempts to comfort. He forced me to HiS comfort so I so understand your need to walk alone friend. Just keep walking, don’t stop and know I’m loving you from afar sweet sister!

  6. Katie Vale says:

    infertility is such a hard road and i am so sorry you are there. i’m so glad you have friends that support you and understand you, but I know that it feels like they can’t really understand since they haven’t been there. praying for you today.

  7. Elizabeth Bowman Hildebrand says:

    Thank you for sharing, I can relate and have had those exact thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Encouraging to know we are not alone

  8. Jennifer Gardner says:

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has spent more than one shower/party in a bathroom trying to pull it together. I thought for a long time I was being stupid and shallow. It’s as if you followed me around and wrote what was running through my head. Love ya

  9. Kelli Guytan Meaders says:

    Hi there, I know that we are strangers – I am very sorry and I hurt right along with you now. This week I have also had ugly cry. Alone. Yesterday, 2nd chemical pregnancy this year ended. The waiting for the up and then crashing down and doing it all over again each month is so exhausting. We are strong and want to kick and scream. Thank you for sharing your story it helped my “alone” to be not so dark.

  10. Rachel Wesch says:

    Reading your blog, took me back to a time that does not seem real now. I remember having some of those same emotions; because all I ever wanted to be was a mother. How could it be so hard to produce a child? There was no rhyme or reason why some could get pregnant so easily. Driving down the road, I would see a young couple smoking in a car, a child not strapped in, dirty and unkept and think why??? How is this right. My family is very large and we wanted four children. My plan was one every two years. It was an ambitious plan. My husband and I were thrilled about our future. So, let me get to the details. We started trying to conceive six months into our marriage. My two sister in laws were having a child about every year. One had three and the other five. They hurt for me. At about yr three, I could see this was not going to be easy. My prayer started to change. I had eight surgeries; numerous attempts with fertility drugs etc., a failed in-vetro and spent enough money on surg/fertility treatments to send a child to college. With each arrival of a friend’s baby or a niece or nephew, I started praying to not be bitter. I prayed that God would allow me to enjoy each precious little baby and not let my situation rob me of that joy. I also started thanking God for my wonderful husband. How many people are blessed with a great man?A man that loves me and suffers with me, and put his career and everything else on hold to walk this life with me!! Maybe a happy marriage was God’s gift to me. Enough. We decided to approach adoption and had two fall through. On our Thirteenth anniversary, we went to Atlanta to celebrate and decided we were done. DONE! We had our precious nieces and nephews and we were going to be happy being their aunt and uncle. We closed the book. As we were driving out of the hotel, the phone rang. It was my mom calling with a message to call an old friend. Long story-short. There was a baby. He would be born in two months, and he could be ours. It happened. Our miracle. God never forgets us. Stay strong with your husband. Pray you never become bitter. God’s answer is there. Our answer came and is now fifteen years old. The moment I held him; thirteen years of pain vanished. I would do it all again and not change a thing. I learned so much. You will be in my prayers.

  11. Sandra Lamgo says:

    Thank you for your transparency! It is such a grieving process and I think the “ugly cry” is actually necessary. God knows our hearts and like a child crying to momma or daddy. . .HE is father whom we can break down in front of. . .raw. We delt with infertility twice. After many years of treatments we were blessed with two little boys and one passed away shortly after birth. Followed by a still birth. And another four years of secondary infertility. After the deaths and then infertility. . .I couldn’t even hear a baby cry without breaking. God restores. He comforts. And I need to preach this to myself as we are at the beginning of adoption.

  12. Erica Parody Leggiero says:

    I’m on year 4. You couldn’t have summed this up any more perfectly. Ugly crying with you.

  13. A Short Blonde says:

    …but there are times in this journey that must be walked alone. and I’m walking it.

    Yes, thank you for this honest post. I have been there myself.

  14. Hannah Bunker says:

    Everything you write about infertility I’m nodding my head because I get it because I have been there…I AM there still. I just told a friend yesterday that I feel like there’s two islands, one is people who have kids and the other are women who are the heart of my ministry…women dealing with infertility. And I’m in the water between the two. I have my precious babes so sometimes I feel my infertility journey and perspective gets lost with women still struggling. But I am a mom so I get that too…but I still desire and believe for belly babies.

    Everything you wrote in this post. Yes to it all. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

  15. Brittany says:

    Thank you so much for being transparent and sharing your heart & soul with us. I’ve been walking the path of infertility for 12 years. It can be extremely lonely, and although I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone I am thankful that we are not alone! I don’t go around talking about it just because it is so painful, but I’m sure the people that do know are probably wondering why I haven’t just given up. The simple answer is I can’t. I believe God would not have placed this yearning in the deepest part of my soul to be a mom if it would never be fulfilled…maybe I’m naive, but I believe in a redeeming and loving God, and I just have to trust that He is going to use all of this to bring glory to His name in His perfect timing. Unless you’ve experienced infertility you can’t imagine the pain, so from one soul sister to another, I’m praying for you!!!

  16. Shannon says:

    wynne, i love your honesty and can see that the heart God gave you to have life in your womb may be a wild and strange adventure for you but you’re not turning it off or throwing it out… you are just feeling the ache and pressing forward… i can speak to his faithfulness for us… it was a long wait too and many times i’d hang on for the ride (and those cycles you talked about) trusting and hoping and many times i tossed hope out the window… and 10 yrs of wondering and waiting on the plan, i can share that today is 20 wks of life in my womb!… i don’t know if it helps but having this hope come to fruition has erased the hurt of the journey to here and replaced it with deep joy… much love from my belly to yours tonite, xo

  17. A.a. Ron says:

    In the beginning we struggled with infertility and then were told that in order to have kids it would have to be before a certain age…wouldn’t you know, that medical prediction was true and here I am at almost 31 with a hysterectomy. We did finally have children but each pregnancy was riddled with complications, life flights, etc. Truly, it was a test of our strength. I hope that you find your way through this season of life and find strength to persevere and come out stronger. I do feel that we all have seasons in life that are trying and leave us feeling alone. I can say that this past year has been one of the hardest. Moving to a new area, having no friends and literally trying left and right to make connections…only to have people not be super friendly or open to new friendships. I am reminded that each day is a chance to start new and to remind myself of the beautiful happiness and blessings I have in my life…even on the days that I may not have a group of friends to share them with. I hope that you find the peace that your heart needs and it is absolutely okay to cry it out. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. It clears our hearts of the weights that are heavy upon them and reminds us to renew and refresh ourselves and give thanks.

  18. Roberta says:

    I will ugly cry with you, and I’ll bring the chocolate and ice cream! I have been wanting a baby so badly for a year now. There have been so many complications in my way so far. My two sisters have struggled with infertility and I am worried I will join them. I have jest had three massive cysts from my ovaries removed and am recovering from that, the recovery is slow and holding me back from continuing to try once more for a baby. I know even after the recovery it may take a long time to get where we want. I know this is all gods plan and there is a Devine lesson and reason for it, but it it hard to understand right now!
    Thank you for sharing your journey. It means a lot to me and keeps me focused on the road ahead.

  19. erika says:

    beautiful wynne. praise God for your willingness to use this as a platform, but praise Him for also letting you know that it is OK to ugly cry – and that He can handle it, others can handle it, and it’s right to feel the pain.

    Also, when I’ve really struggled with something– Paul’s thorn in my flesh has been a helpful metaphor. I don’t know if it will be for you — but we all have thorns that we cry out to have removed and they’re not. We don’t know why, and sometimes that’s so hard.

    love to you.

  20. Leah says:

    four years ago, my husband and i decided it was time to begin our family. four years later, no pregnancies. after a year of fertility testing, it was determined my husband is unable to produce children as he has a genetic condition caused by a gene defect that is responsible for cystic fibrosis. there is no fix and no hope. the door had been shut. we will never hold a child in our arms that looks like us and i will never feel the joy of our baby kicking as they await to enter the world. after we had learned to lean into god through our grief, god pointed us to adoption in africa. while waiting, god led a local family to us who asked us to be the parents to a baby boy. one month later, we were parents to the most glorious little one. god has been so good to us yet the grief has come back like a raging storm, clouding my heart. i realized several weeks ago that i wanted to be pregnant so our son could have a sibling within a year. then i realized i couldn’t do that. it was so silly to have had that thought – and i’ve been on a downward spiral since. i’m grateful every single day for our beautiful one year old and i also hurt every single day. it is a loss our english language can’t describe. i feel alone. i feel at a loss for how to connect with others through my grief. people tell me to “have faith” as if my grief means i’m a nanosecond away from turning my back on christ. i have grace and understanding that others do not understand the journey of an infertile couple unless they have had to walk that lonely road themselves. if i were with you in person i’d hold your hand and let you cry. and i’d cry, too. some hurts don’t have a “fix it” button. there is nothing to do but allow god to hold our hearts and savor the knowing that he knows the longings that stir in our hearts and he will use us for a purpose so beautiful, so intricate and so special that one day, one day we can see how good he was to us. until then, we cry and lean into god.

  21. Claire says:

    Wynne, I am a longtime reader and this is my first time commenting. Our journeys are very, very different, yet have so, so many similarities. I have suffered great loss. Our first son was stillborn, just over 4 years ago. We lost our second son in the second trimester. I have had 8 more losses since then, including twin girls last winter. I have been pregnant many times in the last 5 years, but I am also an infertility survivor. I am also a traditional infertility survivor and have endured years of IVF. Many times I have found myself as that girl you describe, hiding alone with my tears. But we are not alone, and your journal proves that. When you share with others in this beautiful community you are telling others that they are not alone, and you are here for them. I just wanted to write to you today and to tell you that you are amazing. You inspire me in so many ways. I am inspired to start writing again, I am inspired to do good in the world, and to help others as you have. I have been so bogged down by my own story, and by my losses. But I think I am starting anew, finding purpose in the pain. I hope and believe that I can and that I am beginning my own journey to help others, as you have done. Thank you.

  22. Elisha Coston Kearns says:

    I found your blog through Chelsea (we are doing the community blog post together) and I am so glad I did! 🙂

    waitingforbabybird.com

  23. […] I’m continually amazed by ALL the community surrounding infertility that is out there.  As I’ve opened up more and more to share my story, I’ve heard from so many of you.  Thank you, truly, for opening up and trusting me with your stories and burdens.  Every time I get a comment, or email from one of you I say a prayer for you right then and there.  Stories are still pouring in after last Friday’s “ugly cry” post. […]

  24. Molly says:

    For 4 years my son has been praying for twin sisters. My cousin and his wife got pregnant with twin girls only 3 months into their marriage. Her baby shower was very hard for me. Had three friends who gave me scripture verses, care package and prayers.

  25. Shannon Ketchum says:

    Thanks so much for being so transparent. This is just what i needed and just how I’ve been feeling. Nice to know that I ‘m not alone.

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