missing out

“what do you think you’d be missing out on if you didn’t have a biological kid?”

that is the question my friend Sarah asked me late one night this week outside of Starbucks that has been reeling in my mind.  I’ve made it very clear to my people, that my desire through all this infertility treatments has been to be pregnant.  My desire isn’t necessarily to have a biological child, shocking enough.  I know that I can love a child that doesn’t have my blood running through their veins or doesn’t look like me, and so I’m not worried about that.  I know in my heart that family is more than blood.

I’ve come to realize what I desire [and what I would feel like I was “missing out” on] is the experience of being pregnant

finding out that you are pregnant and telling your husband.  then getting to share that joyful news with your family and friends in a fun and creative way.  then the first heart beat and sonogram pictures.  the tiny baby bump that appears, and wearing empire waste dresses that show your belly.  maxi skirts and high belts, and pregnant in a two piece {i know that’s a weird one}.  Then the gender reveal, and wondering how we would do it, if we would find out in the doctors office or wait until we were surrounded by our people that night to find out.  What kind of party would we have and who would come?  Then the baby shower, and everyone asking you how you are feeling and if you’ve felt the baby kick yet.  The maternity pictures holding a cute pair of baby shoes, and announcing it on the blog and to the world who’s been following our journey.  God would get so much glory from this right?  Then, the labor and the group text that I would have already put the names together for Stephen to send out when “it’s time”.  Our families driving in from outta town to be there for the birth, and then those first moments together celebrating the gift of life!  Friends and family coming up to the hospital with balloons and flowers and warm hugs.  battle wounds on my body.  learning to breastfeed.  labor stories.  then those first few weeks at home with a newborn.  family and friends getting to come over immediately and hold and snuggle and love on my sweet baby [and not have to wait a few months to touch him/her].  Being able to take that baby carrier around with me every where I go and everyone coo and love on my precious little one.

that my friends is what I would be missing out on.  nothing else.

after those first few newborn weeks, everything else is my norm.  Raising babies, giving bottles, baths, fixing dinner, reading books, playing on the porch…that is my normal.  I am a mom!

after typing that all out, it sounds really selfish to me now. it seems like it is all about me.  wow.  It’s not all about those things [then there’s the component about my health], but I make it about that.  I make it about me and what I want and if I’m really honest with myself – I want all of those things partly because that’s what my friends have.  That’s what our culture says is the “norm”.  Those are the things I’ve done time and time again for my good girlfriends when they are pregnant and have babies.  That’s what we talk about when we are all just girls together.  I can hardly think of one time where a group of 3+ girls were together that labor stories, pregnancy or breastfeeding didn’t come up.  and when it comes up, you know how I feel?  left out.

I don’t have those stories.  but you know what God also revealed to me this week?  My stories as an adoptive mom are awesome too!


 finding out we had a referral and skyping my sisters at 10 pm to tell them the news, printing out his picture and taking it to friends houses one at a time to share the news in different ways, a fun couples baby shower with margaritas!, then the let down of losing a referral…and then the sharing of our TWO referrals at the baby shower to surprise everyone, flying to ethiopia with 36 hours notice and having a flood of my close friends storm in my house and do everything to get me ready, alison meeting us in Ethiopia to take the pictures of us meeting them for the first time, and then a crowd of friends waiting for us at the airport when we returned with two babies in our arms.  meals on the porch for weeks as we were “cocooning” with our two alone. then open arms when it was time for everyone to be able to touch and hold my babes.

then… life as usual. raising babies, feeding bottles, reading books, making dinner….

it’s so funny how the stories parallel.  but how they are so different.  I think maybe I don’t like being the “different one” but what’s really funny is I really do LOVE it.  I have never wanted to be like everyone else.  I drove a jacked up trunk in high school for pete’s sake!  I think I just want to feel known.

known in a way that the majority understands.  known in a way that helps me relate to the majority of women around me.  but ya know what?  I’ve been able to be known and understood by women that I never would have gotten to know if it weren’t for adoption + infertility.  I’ve been able to connect with women in a whole new way because of our crazy roads to parenthood, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything!  I know that God has us right where He wants us.  I know he will use this testimony.  Just like I heard my friend Leslie say, “everything broken and lost in my life has been replaced with a TESTIMONY!” 


I have probably 2 hands of good friends that I’ve gotten to know the past few years that have all adopted kiddos.  Most have struggled with infertility, and while some are still actively pursing biological kids, some aren’t.  I keep telling God “thank you” that if that’s my story one day, I have other girls that “get it”.  Other women to help me feel known.  But ya know what I realized this week?  I am also in that “category”! That IS my story right now!  I don’t have biological kids, and truth be told I might not ever have them.  I want to take ownership of this part of my story.  Not that I’m better than because both my kiddos are adopted, but because that’s the story God has written for our lives so far.

so maybe, through all of this I should see that while I have missed out on some pretty “normal” things that moms experience, I have had some pretty amazing things happen that most moms don’t ever get to expierece.  and for that I’m grateful.  Only God knows if I’ll ever carry a baby or not, but I do know one thing: regardless of how I got here, or how I’ll get there again, I am a momma!


and with THESE TWO??  I am not missing out at all.  I am the MOST blessed mama with these two amazing blessings that I can’t believe I get to call mine!

Hey, I'm Wynne!

Hi, friend! First, I truly am so giddy that you are here. I want you to know I believe in you and all the ways you are growing towards living a more intentional life.  I genuinely hope you are encouraged from our time together here.

A little about me, I’m a type 7 on the enneagram, a total extrovert + people lover, entrepreneur, connector, storyteller, people gatherer, and passionate wife, mama + friend. I feel most alive when I’m exploring new places and surrounded by people I love. Give me a day in the outdoors disconnected from wifi, and I am a happy girl. I run on oat milk lattes, Jesus, gratitude journaling and kitchen dance parties with my four kids.
Welcome, come on in!

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  1. Sarah Goldstein Roney says:

    Amen amen and amen. This is one of the most encouraging posts I HAVE EVER READ on fertility and adoption. I too have fantasized about all the things you wrote about. How would we announce we were pregnant (I have 50 million ideas), how would we reveal the gender (I have 60 million ideas). But you know what?! We HAVE STORIES THAT BIOLOGICAL MAMA’S WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE EITHER. And through the stories we share, and the stories we don’t share, we can all rejoice in one thing. The gift and privilege of being a mama. Amen Wynne. Thank you so much for your honesty and insight that so reflects my own journey right now.

  2. Wynne, I love your heart and your story. Thank you for sharing your brave story! What an inspiration you are to me! 🙂

  3. Tori Peele says:

    Wynne, I have been reading your blog for about a year now and I am so thankful for your honesty and your willingness to discuss hard things. This post is beautiful and I am sure that it is one I will come back to again and again. Thank you for posting this and being a voice of truth and transparency! 🙂

  4. Amy Armstrong says:

    Beautifully written.

  5. Megan Gilliam says:

    Love this and you so much! You have an amazing story God IS using in amazing ways. Beautifully honest post friend, love you! ❤️

  6. Russell Trippet says:


  7. Debbe Trippet says:

    That was just beautiful Wynne!

  8. natalie says:

    oh wynne, i love this!!
    i feel selfish becuase i have been pregnant before–my biological daughter is 5; i had a very hard pregnancy with her after infertility–and now i want to be pregnant again. just ’cause i love the kicks and the connection. i love my son’s story (domestic open adoption, there for the birth & cutting the cord) and don’t get me wrong, i’m excited (thrilled!) to be starting the process again in the fall for cooper baby #3…but i would give anything to feel a baby kick inside of me again. oh, that feeling!
    (so i totally know what you’re going through.) 🙂

    • Wynne says:

      natalie, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. god has opened my eyes so much to women in different circumstances with me that are hurting and longing. it’s real and I know it! praying for you in this season and yay for cooper baby #3!

  9. Elizabeth says:

    This.is.exactly what I needed to read this morning. Even though we have an amazing story with how we brought our sweet son home (through adoption) I still have a hard time feeling left out. And we have been trying another 1.5 year with various drs and specialists for #2 without any luck and again I feel left out and discouraged while others continue to get pregnant for their 2nd or 3rd time since we started trying. It does feel hard sometimes when the family sits around and talks about which grandkids look like which family members, etc. and I don’t want our son to feel left out of those conversations. 🙁

    And you know what? I don’t really have friends that know what it’s like and that is HARD. I want to know more women that have ONLY adopted. (I can think of one or two). I long to feel like nothing is missing. I still feel like something is missing. Maybe that something is a pregnancy. Maybe that’s feeling normal. Maybe that’s experiencing a miracle that almost all of my friends who dealt with infertility have experienced. I don’t know. But, I’m so, so glad to not feel alone when I read this blog. I feel so much the same way that you do. There is so much joy in our journey, but it’s ok to feel sad sometimes that things aren’t easy or normal for us. While still thanking God for the amazing blessings we DO have!

    • Wynne says:

      elizabeth – thank you for sharing your story with me, and i’m so glad we could connect! i’d love to connect you to other women who have only adopted kiddos. most of mine i met at the created for care retreats outside of Atlanta, ga. the registration starts august 15 for next feb/march so maybe you should check that out! it’s a great weekend retreat for adoptive mamas! you are so right though, it’s OK to feel sad! i’m learning so much about grief, and taking it ALL to god. he can handle it! he’s for us, and for you and he LOVES you. he’s there with you throughout this whole thing! praying for you and let’s connect!

  10. Lauren says:

    Great post. Let me say, you are not missing out at all. The reality is all of that “stuff” we think about pregnancy is often not even reality for many pregnancies. My pregnancies were so overshadowed by high risk, multiple miscarriages, etc. that the joys were merely seeing the healthy baby. The appointments were nerve-wreaking, the showers- emotional. We each have our story of how our families came to be. The beauty is in how God brought us to be and how our story can help others wading through the waters of creating a family.

    • Tori says:

      Very much agree. My kids were in the NICU for a few weeks and that was where I celebrated my first Mother’s Day. After struggling with infertility I think the overwhelming happiness that you expect during pregnancy is often overshadowed by that constant doubt that doesn’t just magically disappear when you become pregnant. Good luck Wynne!!

      • Wynne says:

        tori – thanks for sharing your story! god for sure opened my eyes through this to see women who have babies but also experience this idea of missing out. i hadn’t even thought about it that way before, and i’m so glad my eyes are opened.

    • Wynne says:

      lauren, thanks for your comment. it’s so hard to have all these great expectations of what we think pregnancy will be like, or based on what we’ve seen our friends get to experience but you are right – i’m not in their head or heart during the pregnancies to know all the fears. and if i do carry a baby, who knows what risks or fears would come with that. but it’s still something i desire 😉 so glad we can each share our stories and connect. thanks for sharing yours!

  11. Noelle Brown says:

    beautiful! thank you so much for sharing – it can be so hard putting ourselves “out there” but once we overcome our fears – we realize that we are NOT alone in our struggles :). i can totally relate – although i’ve never struggled with infertility, both of my babies were “surprises” – we found out our senior year in high school that we were pregnant with our daughter and then became pregnant with our son less than 2 years later. it was not how i imagined my life to turn out – 2 kids by 20! i too have struggled with always being in a different place in life then all of my friends. i have always wished that finding out that i was pregnant could be exciting and would be something that i would get to share with my family and friends. all of the fun monthly pictures and being able to experience being pregnant without strangers giving me disapproving looks. but you know what…..god is amazing and his plan for my life is SO much better than my own! my husband and i have now been married for over 16 years. we look back and are so thankful that we had our babies early for so many reasons. both of our dads have since passed away and if we didn’t have our kids when we were young – our kids would have never had such precious memories with our dads. we are currently foster parents to two kiddos and hope to continue to open up our home. our bio kids are 16 & 14 and are just awesome with the kids we’ve had in our home. foster care has been beautiful in so many ways – but it’s also been such a difficult struggle when the kids we have loved leave our home. i do honestly still struggle with wanting to be pregnant along with the rest of my friends – and having a baby that I know will stay with us – it’s something that I need to continually give up to the Lord. we often don’t understand why things aren’t going the way we had hoped, but looking back i am reminded of His grace and care for us over the years. thanks again for sharing 🙂

  12. Megan Perkins says:

    Speak it. Couldn’t have said it any better myself having gone through the same exact thing. Thank you!

  13. Sam Bennett says:

    nice self reflection- so important. and sharing/transparency is even better. thanks!

  14. Karen Buschman Barnes says:

    This is really beautiful. Thank you for sharing from your heart. As someone who is staring down both of these paths and not knowing what God’s plan for us will be at this point, this is really encouraging. God has a beautiful and unique story carved out for each one of us. Though it’s incredibly hard to not compare ourselves to others. Thank you for that reminder, and for being brave with your story.

  15. Dana Wilkes says:

    Wow. I needed this. Love your story.

  16. Amber says:

    Wynne, I have been following your sweet little blog now for a while. I just want to thank you for being so encouraging. My husband and I have dealt with infertility now going on three years. We have been through 2 miscarriages and have had to wade through the valley that is infertility to get back to the mountaintop. I wrote an article on my blog (strengthandgrace129.wordpress.com) called “The F Word: Fertility” about one of my miscarriages and how Jesus has “gloriously ruined” me through this whole experience. We have come to a place of peace with our journey, and even though we are still currently “trying”, we have made the exciting decision to adopt from Uganda. I have always had a heart for the people of Africa, and my love has grown even more knowing that we have a son over there somewhere. I just want to let you know that you are prayed for and loved by people you do not even know and you are such an example of godly strength and beauty to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Wynne says:

      amber! girl, i am a mess at starbucks reading your post. so beautiful – i would encourage anyone to read that! thank you for opening up and sharing your heart and your story with us. so many of the scriptures you shared on that post are ones i’ve been clinging to, too. and how exciting that you are adopting from uganda!!! i have a few friends who have/are adopting from there if you want me to connect you! just email me – wynne.elder@gmail.com

  17. Alisha says:

    Oh how I needed these words tonight. Tomorrow we’re having a huge yard sale fundraiser for our own adoption and one thing after another has gone wrong (haha life is colorful). Thank you so much for this fresh perspective!!

    • Wynne says:

      alisha! how did your fundraiser go??? life isn’t easy and neither is adoption but you can know you are covered in prayer and supported!

  18. Hannah says:

    Wynne, I totally understand your heart! The Lord meant for me to read your post tonight. Sometimes I can’t even articulate to myself what it is that I feel like I’m missing out on – but you nailed it. I’m an adoptive mom “in waiting” – the journey has been long and at times the reality of infertility is a foothold the devil uses to discourage me. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being vulnerable! Much Love, Hannah

    • Wynne says:

      hannah, oh i’m so glad the lord led you to read this post this morning and it encouraged you! the waiting of adoption is hard, girl i know that to be true. but god will teach you so much in it, and one day you will be able to look back and see it and say “it was worth it”! blessings to you on your journey!

  19. Karan Henson says:

    Wynne, you are so right. How wise you are. I love you precious babies.

  20. […] can imagine how I felt Friday, when I posted this post: Missing Out.  I don’t know how many visits are “normal” for some of my big time blogger […]

  21. Laura says:

    Beautiful. Find comfort in knowing there are so many of us in this struggle. I shared my story a few months ago too, and truly feel like it can help others even if it is to find comfort in knowing they were not alone. But girl, it’s scary to share it and to rehash those feelings “out loud” {or in writing}.


  22. Ginger says:

    Wynne, I can’t even remember how I came across your blog, but I am so thankful that I did! You have blessed me many times with your words and the cute pictures of your beautiful little blessings. The post today really hit me..I know that feeling of being ‘left out’ of the pregnancy convos. Me and my husband were diagnosed as “Unexplained Infertilty” about 5 years ago…we have been trying for a baby for 6 years now with IVF and IUI all we got was miscarriages….BUT i am glad to say that we are about 6 months into our waiting period of our Domestic Infant Adoption!!! We both feel that we went through all that so that Jesus could show us that THIS was our story all along, we just had to go through all that to be able to look back and and be thankful that we let HIM be the Lord over EVERY aspect of our life! I feel so blessed and thankful that one day I will be a Mama which is my dream job ever since I was a little girl! Jesus knows what my body can handle with pregnancy and maybe He saw something I didn’t. My words were always..God is in Control going through all the infertility stuff and i am so thankful that we gave it all to Him!Blessings always

    Ginger P

    • Wynne says:

      ginger – i’m so glad you found me however it was, it’s so nice to “meet” you! wow, I am so sorry for what y’all have had to go through the past 5 years, but that is so amazing that y’all are adopting domestically! isn’t it funny how god sometimes gently says, “no THIS is what I have for you”! you will be a mama and that is a beautiful thing! thank you for your words today, they brought life and healing to my weary soul today. can’t wait to see how he blesses your sweet family!

  23. Rebekah says:

    Just beautiful! I have had this same discussion with some friends. We all have our own story and it is so exciting when you see others sharing theirs! Your story is inspirational…thank you!

  24. Kitty Hurdle says:

    Yep!! Same song different verse! You are putting into words exactly how I feel about our infertility journey and the two angelic blessings god have us by way of adoption. The “yes! Me too!” Is a powerful thing. Love that our scars actually graft us into one another! Xoxo

  25. Sarah Carmichael Schneider says:

    just beautiful, wynne. i am just now getting a chance to sit down and read your words. your honesty and transperancy is so inspiring. when i look back on my infertility journey i think about all that pain at the time… and doing the same thing… comparing my story to my friends (that all seem to get pregnant when the wind blew…over and over again). and now i look back and feel so grateful for the story that was chosen for me. and honestly, that i didn’t get pregnant when the wind blew. because yes, this is my testimony. and it’s so true… i look at you and your adoption journey and that’s something that i don’t have and probably never will…. and it sure does seem amazing. and beautiful. and i love to follow along and hear your story, wynne. you are a beautiful mama. no matter how you got there. those sweet babies were meant just for you. keep sharing the story. xxoo

  26. […] friends – I was floored last week as I heard from so many of you after I posted my “missing out” post.  My friend Robin, from back in the day high school youth group, said she was […]

  27. […] feel like you’re missing out? Thankful for her authenticity, and the follow up because hey- you’re brave […]

  28. Becki says:

    Ouch and joy. I just experienced both by reading your beautifully written post. I know that feeling you describe, very very well. It’s a thirst you can’t quench. I feel like our five year struggle was heavily prayed over- but heavily watched under a microscope. Everyone knew we were pregnant when we did. There was no “surprise” at all( until we found out it was triplets that is). God has this huge laugh, I just know it. I think His plans really are way more awesome that ones we could write. Wynne, you are so good at knowing He is in charge, finding joy in His choices for you. You are awesome Wynne. Thanks for sharing on this subject.

    • Wynne says:

      becki, i can totally relate to all you say . those are things I think about, when we do get preggo there won’t be any “surprise” b/c just like you, all my closest people know what’s going on. but his plans are better than i could ever imagine! thanks for that reminder 😉

  29. […] if I never carry life inside of me.  It’s a powerful post for me to write that I called “missing out” . Somehow writing the words “on paper” helped me sort through the emotions swirling in […]

  30. Thank you for sharing, Wynne. I’d have to say that I relate to you in that I feel like I’m missing out on something that is ingrained with what society says is a woman. It’s tough feeling left out but I have learned that I’m not as isolated as I think. SO many go through this it’s kind of shocking.

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