this is “part 2” from last week’s there is always hope post on infertility.

grief. [active processing of pain and hurt in my life] it hasn’t been something I’ve dealt with much. Mostly I guess because I haven’t “lost” much.  and partly because I’ve come to learn that I apparently try to avoid pain.  So grief is not something I think about often.  but I’m learning about it now…. after we had ” the best news” we had the worst news. my nurse from my fertility doctor called to tell me I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  my levels had gone down, and I needed to keep going to get blood work the next few days to confirm then went all the way down. I was on the other line with my best friend Brynn when the nurse called and honestly after I got off the phone I just started bawling.  The kids were napping, and I called Stephen and he raced home to hold me and cry with me.  Besides going to get blood work done several more times that week, the rest of the week was a blur.  Like I don’t remember at all what happened after that.  Sorta like I don’t remember the first few days home with the kids…strage… we lost it. our miracle baby was gone. it wasn’t looking amazing to begin with, but I had hope.  I didn’t know what those numbers meant.  I saw a pregnancy line, and a positive blood work test and immediately my heart soared.  I was elated.  God had blessed us with a baby!  My dreams were coming true! then they crashed down. what I lack in remembrance from that hard season, I make up for in remember the conversations I had with other women who had experienced the same thing in the weeks and months to come. pretty much every woman that I shared this with, that had also experienced the pain of loss, looked me in the eyes and said “I am so sorry for your loss”.  most of the time they had tears in their eyes too.  I loved that.  they saw me!  they knew!  they and been there and they were ok now. God often uses other people to speak to me – and He did just that through my good friend Casey at Hope Spoken in March. She sat on stage and shared with us, that through her own loss and grief she learned that “you can’t judge someone else’s grief”  For some reason, God used that to set me free.  Free from feeling like because I wasn’t pregnant for that long, that I didn’t really know anything about loss.  Freedom from worrying about what other people think of me + how I greive.  Freedom from having to carry it alone. Our last small group session at Hope Spoken {in which I was technically leading} I about lost it, emotionally.  I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that run down, broken, alone.  The group dynamic changed, and it turned to them consoling and counseling me.  Something had been broken in me, and I needed to explore what that meant.  I learned that day, and the days and weeks to come, that grief is healthy.  Being upset, sad, and mourning the loss of what could have been is healthy.  God is the one who can handle my frustration and disappointment.  I can in fact turn to him, 1 Peter 5:7 says “cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”  God welcomes us when we turn to him and bring him our pain. One of our pastors in a sermon called SCARS this past spring said, “it’s not a lack of faith to acknowledge the pain”.  and that set me free too!  Brokenness hurts, it’s painful, and we have to acknowledge it.  The other word that hits home to me is disappointment – “when we hope for something and it doesn’t happen”.  I think that’s the biggest loss here for me.  I had hoped to see a positive on a pregnancy stick for almost 5 years.  When that positive showed up, my whole world changed, and I had hope again, and when we got the call, you can imagine the disappointment that set in. So while we must “go there” with the pain, disappointment and protest to God….we can’t STAY there.  At some point, we have to come to accept it.  We have to relinquish what cannot be explained, and accept what we cannot change.  So what then?  We must fight, everyday, to remember who God is!  We have to look through the lens of Gods heart and character for us. some of my favorite scriptures that I can’t get enough of in this season….. Psalm 107, Isaiah 55:6-9, Hebrews 12:1-13, Romans 4:16-25, Isaiah 61:1-3, Psalm 46:4-7,  , 1 Peter 1:3-9 God is sovereign, and He is in control.  He can use anything – and He can even use and redeem my grief, loss, and pain to come alongside someone else who is suffering so I can “pass along” the grace and comfort I’ve been given. (2 Corinthians 1:3-6) That’s why I’m sharing this with you.  I hope you know you aren’t alone, and I hope you know wherever you are in the grieving process, God is right there with you.  He fiercely loves you and you HAVE to hang onto the truth of that, even when it doesn’t make sense.  God is for you, sweet sister, and He will not leave you or forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6) If you need someone to talk to, comment on this post and I’d love to visit – and it’s my hope that others who are hurting will be commenting and we can just all be in this together, encouraging and supporting each other.  Hang in there, sister!

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1-3

may our hope continue to be in CHRIST ALONE.