I feel it in my bones. the darkness and sadness and hopelessness that can so easily creep in. I know what it’s like for after almost 5 years, and dozens of pregnancy tests later, to finally see a positive. I know what it’s like for that happiest-day-of-my-life news to turn to heartbreak and loss. It’s not something that’s all butterflies and roses, but it’s life. and this morning, I’m feeling that oh so frequent nudge to finally put it all out there, and share this story with you, my story. I pray as you read the words if you’ve been in this place too, you will feel comfort. I pray if you are still in this place [ like me], we can together feel hope. I have been praying for humility [thanks Haverlee] because this isn’t about me – it isn’t about me feeling known, but it’s hopefully for your freedom and restoration, and mine. Writing like this, in the middle of the mess, does indeed make me free. I’m scared to death as I type this, but I know that I’m called to be a bearer of light and to “charge the darkness” as Gary Haugen said in my She Reads Truth study this morning. This world of infertility can so easily be kept in the dark, so many of us can feel so alone and hopeless in it, but I am here today to tell you there is hope. Even in the pain, even in the middle of the mess, even when we aren’t “on the other side” yet.
Because there is ALWAYS HOPE.
here we go.
I”m not sure how or why, but one of the greatest days of my life was also met by one of the deepest pains and sorrow of my life. A moment, a day I had been dreaming of for 4+ years, getting pregnant. Well it happened! We were on our first try for IUI with our fertility doctor in Austin. This was after a few months of doing clomid, and after a laproscopic surgery in May. Anyway, the weekend we were going to get blood work done to see if I was in deed pregnant, we were spending the weekend at the lake with our best friends. We left the group that morning to go into town for our nieces birthday party, and had snuck off to get the blood work done there. After almost a full day of no word from the doctors office with the results, I did what any woman would do… I took it into my own hands.[oops] We were at the lake with all our kids, so it was easy enough for me to sneak out while everyone was cooking dinner to go into town to get a home pregnancy test. I hadn’t started my period yet + I had no symptoms. It had to be it! My adventure took me first to Walgreens, then to the convient store to wait the painful 3 minutes to see what that digital test said. Yes, I dipped that test into a baby bottle cap I had in my car and waited in the stall….“PREGNANT”!!!!
I had never in my life, in over probably 100 tests, seen a positive! It was a miracle! I took pictures, [yes selfies in the convenient store bathroom], and was freaking out!! It didn’t seem real. but the test was staring me in the face. pregnant. the moment I had dreamed up in my head for a looooong time was really happening! If you’ve been down the infertility road, you know very well that you dream of the day you find out. how you are going to tell your husband, your family + you dream of fun creative ways to share the exciting news. Well, a week or so before this weekend I was brushing my teeth in Stephen’s bathroom and it came to me: if we find out at the lake, I’ll go to the store and get a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a bottle of champagne, and propose a toast/tell our friends we have another reason to celebrate [we were celebrating Curtis 30 birthday!]! It was going to be perfect in my head, and now it was coming to fruition. I went straight to HEB, got the goods, and headed back to the house.
I snuck back in, helped put the babies down, and sat down for dinner with the adults. After a long dinner and birthday singing + dessert it was finally time for the toast! My sweet husband couldn’t hold it in, and he was the one that announced to our friends the news that after 5 years of trying to get pregnant, we were in fact preggo! There were cheers, excessive hugging and jumping up and down, laughter, tears, joy. It was everything I imagined. Alison was newly pregnant with the twins, and Shannon was about to pop with sweet Adalynn, and Laura is my “fertility counselor” so the girls spent the the rest of the night huddled around the kitchen talking baby names, nurseries, pregnancy apps, cravings, breast feeding, and the like. I was already dreaming and planning and loving the fact that I was pregnant. I might have even felt the next day like my tummy was pooching out a little and I loved every second of it.
As an adoptive mom, I struggled [and sometimes still do] with the lies that because I didn’t birth my kids, I wasn’t a “real mom”. That couldn’t be anything further from the truth, but it is sometimes hard when you are sitting around with the girls talking about pregnancy, birth stories, breast feeding, etc and I have not one thing to add to the conversation. That night, I finally felt like a part of the mama club. [side note: those of us who only have adopted kiddos, I think we have so many stories that while they are not similar, they are similar. we went through the “paper pregnancy”, and all the trimesters of waiting for approval, court, embassy, and then finally the celebration of coming home! That’s why I think it’s so important to have friends who have also adopted, so we can share those stories! and I’m trying to be more brave to just hop in there and share my “birth” stories] I digress….
as you can imagine, we couldn’t keep this news to ourselves, especially since we just told our best friends. the ones who had walked through 4+ years of this journey with us. we made the 3 hour detour to drive to Waco to tell my parents. I tried to sneak around babies r us and HEB to get pink + blue balloons and goodies to surprise them with at their door. They were taking a Sunday afternoon nap when we knocked on the door with balloons clipped to Camp + Asher’s shirts. They were thrilled to say the least. My mom might have cried a little, and we not soon after called the aunties to tell them the news. My family has been through everything with me, they are my people, my tribe, my village. It was an amazing day of sharing such long awaited news with them! then of coarse, we had to drive to San Angelo to tell Stephen’s mom and there were more tears, hugs, and excitement.
there is a part 2 to this post. the part I told you about before that includes loss and heartbreak. while this post took me awhile to make myself write [it was very painful, but necessary for my healing], the next post only took a few sessions with my laptop and bible. I hope you come back and read it, because although it’s hard, it’s about what the sweet Lord is teaching me about grieving, healing, and hope. and as always, if you want to talk, please email me: firstname.lastname@example.org I want you to know there is a small army of other women who are walking this road that want to pray for you, stand with you, and love you. reach out, we are here.
Hey, I'm Wynne!
Hi, friend! First, I truly am so giddy that you are here. I want you to know I believe in you and all the ways you are growing towards living a more intentional life. I genuinely hope you are encouraged from our time together here.
A little about me, I’m a type 7 on the enneagram, a total extrovert + people lover, entrepreneur, connector, storyteller, people gatherer, and passionate wife, mama + friend. I feel most alive when I’m exploring new places and surrounded by people I love. Give me a day in the outdoors disconnected from wifi, and I am a happy girl. I run on oat milk lattes, Jesus, gratitude journaling and kitchen dance parties with my four kids.
Welcome, come on in!
Wynne, I want to encourage you. You are very brave to share your story. As one who has been walking this lonely road if infertility for almost 10 years, I totally understand where you are coming from. Over the last couple of years, I started being more brave with sharing my story, because of the simple fact that infertility is oh so isolating, and I felt the need to share so that others wouldn’t feel quite so alone. All that to say, keep being brave! Keep sharing! If we believe that all things happen according to God’s will and to bring Him glory, then the best way to bring Him glory is to share our stories and hold someone else’s hand as they go through the valley. xoxo.
lauren, i’m so sorry that you have also been walking this road for a long time. thank you for your words. i think it’s so important when we open up and share our stories with each other, and comfort each other. god can redeem all the pain and loss and heartache. with you in the valley…
I just checked your blog out. I admire your heart and your honesty! There sure are so many “grey” areas, aren’t there? And its so important to be in sync with our spouses too… Keep being brave!
love, love, love. keep writing. you’re so brave! xo
Tears streaming down my face, I could hardly breath reading this post because while your story and circumstances vary from mine, it is a story many of us unfortunately share. Some days the heartache longing, sadness, and anger are too much to carry. This is pregnancy announcement season; every day it feels like another friend, family member or acquaintance is announcing their joyful news to the world. Beside my own shame and grief and, yes, jealousy I also carry genuine joy and thankfulness for the new lives my friends carry in their wombs. I’m also currently mentoring a girl who just found out she is pregnant with twins and is scheduling an abortion in 2 weeks. Its hard to walk alongside others in such drastically different situations as my own, but I know we are to carry each other’s burdens, how ever heavy their loads may be.
Peace be with you…
Wow, I’ll be praying for you as you mentor that girl. What a role God has you playing in her life! You are brave too!
i love this praying for each other! YES! this is what it’s about!
Wynne, wow, wasn’t expecting to be blindsided by this when I woke this morning. I don’t have words yet for the deep well of sadness you have stirred in me today. I say that as a thank you. I need to charge the darkness. Smiling through, “I just wasn’t meant to have a baby” and “God has a plan for me” won’t hold the ache. You remind me I can cry out in real pain and know that God is still on His throne. Your brave calls to my brave. *tears*
oh aly! i am sorry to blind side you… you CAN cry out to him! he hears and sees you and will carry you. and you have a community of sisters carrying you too. come back tomorrow, my whole post is about my grieving process.
Thanks for the beautiful post and for sharing your story. I was also glad when I shared openly about our infertility…and not just because I rarely ever get the “when are YOU guys going to have a baby” question anymore! ha! But because through the process of sharing, I have felt less alone. God has comforted me through the words and wisdom of other women who have walked this road. Thanks for sharing what is so intimate and personal…praying for you guys!
wow kristi, thanks for your wisdom and insight. i would love to read what you have written/shared online. it’s always comforting to hear others stories and to know, really know, we aren’t alone and we can pass along the comfort we’ve been given and carry each others burdens!
Thanks SO much for sharing. Makes this girl not feel so alone in this struggle. xo
Oh Wynne. I too have walked this painful, painful road. I experienced so much of what you are describing before our first loss. I am aching for you as I read this and praying for continued healing.
thank you jenny, so much you don’t know.
i just want to say ughhhhhhhhhhhhh because i am so sad for you. but instead i’m going to rejoice with you that there is hope in Jesus. love you friend.
Beautiful! I have been thinking about how many women are struggling with this and are all alone. Thank you for having a heart for others! It is very exciting to see more women be open about this. That is when the healing comes! Praying for your family!
thank you so much rebekah!!!
Oh sweet friend, thank you for pouring your heart out. It means so much to know that someone else is feeling the EXACT same way I’m feeling. It just plain sucks! I know know know the emotional roller coaster and after 4+ years of trying and that “time” every month is just devastation hitting all over again. Thank you for just being such an encourager and so transparent with everything! You are absolutely right, there is HOPE! Love you, Wynne Elder!
i am so glad you are sharing your story because you have a gift and such powerful things to share. love to you.
Beautiful post friend – so sorry you’re walking this road (it sucks!), but so proud of you for holding onto hope. HE is all about hope and redemption – love you mama!
Thank you for this… <3
Thanks for sharing your story!!!!! You are not alone! http://www.in-due-time.com
I wish there was no part 2 to this story. Sadly I know how you feel. We went through almost 6 years before we got our first positive result. By that time I was highly doubting those home tests actually worked 😉 our first ended in loss almost as quickly as we felt the joy we felt the pain. After a d & C and a few months to get over some other complications we tried again and that was the cycle that gave us our amazing son. And even now over 7 years later I think of that baby in heaven and wonder about him or her. Much love to you Wynne! And Steven and Asher & Camp too. Xoxo
Oh, Wynne. It seems that we have very similar stories…tried to get pregnant with infertility, then adopted a boy and a girl, but still dealing with infertility and believing for “belly babies.” I’ve never seen the two lines on pregnancy test and I go through seasons where I’m okay with that and seasons when it makes me slap-mad. I’m so sad to hear that your two lines ended in heart break. Like, brings tears to my eyes. I could spout off Christian words and encouragement, but I just know that it sucks. Sucks. I’m sorry and if you need encouragement, I’m here for you too.
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. Sharing our stories are God’s Hallmark cards to encouragement and bring hope for others. Keep writing, sister. Keep being brave and sharing. You’re touching lives.
Hi Wynne, thanks for sharing this. I imagine it must be so hard! 🙁 I’m so sorry that this pregnancy ended in loss for you. But, I really enjoyed reading about the deep down joy you felt and how you shared it with others. I think you might follow our blog, but we also adopted before pursuing much treatment and our sweet boy is 2 too! Anyway, we’d gone back on the treatment road and it’s HARD. :/
I’ll be praying that you will soon get that positive again and have that amazing joy all over again! This time that ends up bringing home another sweet baby to your family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story…it just hurts, but I am so thankful for this army that the Lord is raising up to take on the lies the enemy is throwing at us! You are super awesome and I’m so excited about what the future hold!
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