I feel it in my bones.  the darkness and sadness and hopelessness that can so easily creep in.  I know what it’s like for after almost 5 years, and dozens of pregnancy tests later, to finally see a positive.  I know what it’s like for that happiest-day-of-my-life news to turn to heartbreak and loss.  It’s not something that’s all butterflies and roses, but it’s life.  and this morning, I’m feeling that oh so frequent nudge to finally put it all out there, and share this story with you, my story.  I pray as you read the words if you’ve been in this place too, you will feel comfort.  I pray if you are still in this place [ like me], we can together feel hope.  I have been praying for humility [thanks Haverlee] because this isn’t about me – it isn’t about me feeling known, but it’s hopefully for your freedom and restoration, and mine.  Writing like this, in the middle of the mess, does indeed make me free.  I’m scared to death as I type this, but I know that I’m called to be a bearer of light and to “charge the darkness” as Gary Haugen said in my She Reads Truth study this morning.  This world of infertility can so easily be  kept in the dark, so many of us can feel so alone and hopeless in it, but I am here today to tell you there is hope.  Even in the pain, even in the middle of the mess, even when we aren’t “on the other side” yet.

Because there is ALWAYS HOPE.  

here we go.

I”m not sure how or why, but one of the greatest days of my life was also met by one of the deepest pains and sorrow of my life.  A moment, a day I had been dreaming of for 4+ years, getting pregnant.  Well it happened!  We were on our first try for IUI with our fertility doctor in Austin.  This was after a few months of doing clomid, and after a laproscopic surgery in May.  Anyway, the weekend we were going to get blood work done to see if I was in deed pregnant, we were spending the weekend at the lake with our best friends.  We left the group that morning to go into town for our nieces birthday party, and had snuck off to get the blood work done there.  After almost a full day of no word from the doctors office with the results, I did what any woman would do… I took it into my own hands.[oops] We were at the lake with all our kids, so it was easy enough for me to sneak out while everyone was cooking dinner to go into town to get a home pregnancy test.  I hadn’t started my period yet + I had no symptoms. It had to be it!  My adventure took me first to Walgreens, then to  the convient store to wait the painful 3 minutes to see what that digital test said.  Yes, I dipped that test into a baby bottle cap I had in my car and waited in the stall….“PREGNANT”!!!!

I had never in my life, in over probably 100 tests, seen a positive!  It was a miracle!  I took pictures, [yes selfies in the convenient store bathroom], and was freaking out!! It didn’t seem real.  but the test was staring me in the face.  pregnant.  the moment I had dreamed up in my head for a looooong time was really happening!  If you’ve been down the infertility road, you know very well that you dream of the day you find out.  how you are going to tell your husband, your family + you dream of fun creative ways to share the exciting news.  Well, a week or so before this weekend I was brushing my teeth in Stephen’s bathroom and it came to me: if we find out at the lake, I’ll go to the store and get a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a bottle of champagne, and propose a toast/tell our friends we have another reason to celebrate [we were celebrating Curtis 30 birthday!]!  It was going to be perfect in my head, and now it was coming to fruition.  I went straight to HEB, got the goods, and headed back to the house.

I snuck back in, helped put the babies down, and sat down for dinner with the adults.  After a long dinner and birthday singing + dessert it was finally time for the toast!  My sweet husband couldn’t hold it in, and he was the one that announced to our friends the news that after 5  years of trying to get pregnant, we were in fact preggo!  There were cheers, excessive hugging and jumping up and down, laughter, tears, joy.  It was everything I imagined. Alison was newly pregnant with the twins, and Shannon was about to pop with sweet Adalynn, and Laura is my “fertility counselor” so the girls spent the the rest of the night huddled around the kitchen talking baby names, nurseries, pregnancy apps, cravings, breast feeding, and the like.  I was already dreaming and planning and loving the fact that I was pregnant.  I might have even felt the next day like my tummy was pooching out a little and I loved every second of it.

As an adoptive mom, I struggled [and sometimes still do] with the lies that because I didn’t birth my kids, I wasn’t a “real mom”.  That couldn’t be anything further from the truth, but it is sometimes hard when you are sitting around with the girls talking about pregnancy, birth stories, breast feeding, etc and I have not one thing to add to the conversation.  That night, I finally felt like a part of the mama club.  [side note: those of us who only have adopted kiddos, I think we have so many stories that while they are not similar, they are similar.  we went through the “paper pregnancy”, and all the trimesters of waiting for approval, court, embassy, and then finally the celebration of coming home!  That’s why I think it’s so important to have friends who have also adopted, so we can share those stories!  and I’m trying to be more brave to just hop in there and share my “birth” stories] I digress….

as you can imagine, we couldn’t keep this news to ourselves, especially since we just told our best friends.  the ones who had walked through 4+ years of this journey with us.  we made the 3 hour detour to drive to Waco to tell my parents.  I tried to sneak around babies r us and HEB to get pink + blue balloons and goodies to surprise them with at their door.  They were taking a Sunday afternoon nap when we knocked on the door with balloons clipped to Camp + Asher’s shirts.  They were thrilled to say the least.  My mom might have cried a little, and we not soon after called the aunties to tell them the news.  My family has been through everything with me, they are my people, my tribe, my village.  It was an amazing day of sharing such long awaited news with them! then of coarse, we had to drive to San Angelo to tell Stephen’s mom and there were more tears, hugs, and excitement.

there is a part 2 to this post.  the part I told you about before that includes loss and heartbreak.  while this post took me awhile to make myself write [it was very painful, but necessary for my healing], the next post only took a few sessions with my laptop and bible.  I hope you come back and read it, because although it’s hard, it’s about what the sweet Lord is teaching me about grieving, healing, and hope.  and as always, if you want to talk, please email me: gloriouslyruined@gmail.com  I want you to know there is a small army of other women who are walking this road that want to pray for you, stand with you, and love you.  reach out, we are here.