Gloriously Ruined

Speaking of honesty.

I have a group of girls here in Midland that I do life with.  We started with play dates with our kiddos [14 between us all] and then took a litlte girls trip this summer.  Some of us have been friends for years, but as a whole, our friendship and sisterhood started sometime last year.  I remember when we were on the way to Santa Fe this summer, I prayed so much for months before that trip that it would be sweet time together.  Not just sweet, but that we would be able to open up to each other.  To really feel known and loved.  to make everyone feel comfortable sharing and opening up, being honest about their struggles.  and it happened!  many opened up to share things that I had no idea they struggled with.  It only helped me know them and love them more.

On that trip, we talked about doing the Bread + Wine book club, and we had our first meeting a couple of months ago.  Once again, I pleaded with God to open up all our hearts and spirits to be able to open up and share ourselves with each other.  I have come to desire greatly feeling known and loved, and making others feel known and loved.  Success!  It was a beautiful night of sharing, story telling, crying, praying, loving on each other, and a greater understanding of who we each are.

I shared something with that group that night that was hard to share.  I shared about ENOUGH.  Meaning, I shared with them the thing I longed for.  my desire.  Most of them knew my struggle with infertility, but to varying degrees.  I got to share with them that night what was really going on in my heart.  I shared my desires.  I finally let myself cry.  I had been so emotionally disconnected, but that night that shattered.  I think there were 10 sets of tears around that table that night, and I walked away feeling loved and known.

The next day….well the next day something happened that hurt my heart.  I started my period.  My last IUI, and it failed.  I started heavy and painfully in the middle of the night.  That day was dark from the beginning, and I sent out an SOS to the girls.  It was pretty crazy timing that I had just spilled my heart the night before, and now I needed them.  I needed support, love, prayers and help.  and my people came to my rescue.  Starbucks in the morning, followed by flowers and snacks on my porch, chick fila for lunch, dropped off my kids to play with their friends so I could rest, more flowers, and my favorite pizza in town dropped off for dinner.  They came in droves, they came because they knew my hurt.  

simply because I let them in, and I told them!

Receiving help is hard.  Why can we be so prideful?  We all need help every once in a while, and if we are open to our needs, others will be open to theirs.  We are meant to live life in COMMUNITY and it’s hard to do that when we all live a life of closed doors and mouths.  I’m not saying you should share all your junk on facebook, I’m just saying you should have a few close friends that know you intimently.  When I posted the picture on instagram that day, I got all sorts of comments.  Most were worried about me and my well being [maybe shouldn't have posted it], but one question stuck out…

“I’ve never had people like that, how did you find so many?” 

So I’ve been thinking about that.  How do I find “my people?”  and this is what I’ve come up with.  I heard Rebekah Lyons say recently, that in order to have those kind of relationships, you have to lead with vulnerability.  You have to be honest [like I wrote about Shauna's mom], and you have to be that kind of friend to have that kind of friend.  You have to let people into your junk.  You have to learn to ask for help.  and for me, I have an open door policy.  I love the friends that walk in my front or back door without knocking.  I want my home, and my heart, to always be an open door.

So, my friend.  If you are desiring this kind of friendship, be that kind of friend.  It’s hard, I know, but being open, honest, and vulnerable has it’s perks.  Sometimes I wonder why strangers tell me their whole life story, but maybe they feel safe with me because I’ve shared so much of mine.  None of us are perfect, we all struggle, and if we stop acting like we have it all together, we’ll attract more people to us.  and really, to HIM.

[this post was brought to you by the encouragement of my friend ashley.  I know I have been "talking" a lot about how I am going to open up about things, and well I've been putting it off.  I feel like there is so much "back tracking" to tell you in my journey of infertility, but like I said here God is sweet and good.  and I will go back + tell you all that He has done in my heart the past year.  but for now, I'll be in the present, and share where I am now.  this post was written right around the holidays, in November.  still much more to process, and to write.  but I will do it.  if only for others to feel not alone in their infertility journey. will you pray for words? and grace? and for goodness sake, uninterrupted time to sit down and write my story?  thanks dears.]